Losing your best friend, especially to cancer, is a transformative experience and profoundly alters one’s perspective on life. Growing up, my nana was my best friend, I was always with her. She took me in and treated me as one of her own, even allowing me to live with her for a few months. She always had fun, not caring what others thought of her. She was a true example of what everyone should strive to be like.
I remember the first time she got diagnosed when I was very young. She never let that stop her from being around the people she cared the most about. Motivated to be around for every milestone, she never gave into the disease. I never truly realized how precious time was, but she did. No matter what she was feeling, she always made it a point to visit my brother and I as often as she could. I never felt judged or belittled with her. It was always warmth, love, and encouragement. She even let me stay with her over every school break. Her way of life, looking back, truly formed me into the person I am today. The person I want to grow to be.
The second time she got diagnosed was slightly different. She knew it was worse, and deep down so did I. I knew I had to hang on to the life she had left before it was torn from my grasp. I couldn’t let her go — who would I become? How could I live in a world without my nana. Yet, she never allowed any of this to bother her. She knew it was worse but was still that same happy person she had always been. Even when she felt sick, she would take me to theme parks, take me shopping and do everything I wanted to do. At the time, I was so ignorant of how important time is. All of our lives are lived in an hour-glass. We are only given so much time, and yet still see the world as never enough. My nana was never like that though. She clung to every day, hour, and minute. She never wanted to lose time, and she didn’t deserve to have her time cut in half. She didn’t deserve for her hour-glass to be shattered.
Like her hour-glass, my heart was shattered when I received the news. She had been diagnosed a third time. The devil that is cancer had clung to her and reappeared. She couldn’t shake the grasp of it. She tried and fought harder than anyone I had ever known, yet it wasn’t enough. Then the world falls beneath me as I find out she is only given a few months to live. This was late July, and she didn’t even make it a month. On May 2, 2021, I said my final goodbyes. She should have lived, I found myself saying. She should have fought harder, but she fought as hard as she could. If I knew she fought as hard as she could, why was I thinking these cruel thoughts? I was so hurt. Why did God need her more than I did. He didn’t, but I know he has his plans for everyone. Why was his plan for her so harsh? I found myself questioning not only God but everything I had viewed as important before.
Did anything really matter?
The truth is you will never know what God’s plan is, but you do not need to. Questioning him wasn’t making her come back, and I knew that. Watching her go through as much as she did with such grace showed me what it is truly like to trust in his plan. It also taught me to be in the moment, don’t let time, or social constructs tell you what matters. Time matters…family matters…you matter. Although losing her was a heart-wrenching experience, it taught me to be a better person. Without this experience, I would not be who I am today. It changed me for the better — my last life changing moment.
I will never forget the good, bad, and sad moments with her. I now know how important memories are. Pictures could be gone in the blink of an eye, but memories are forever.
(Kailey is a junior at Harlan County High School)